A Ladybug's Journey

Have you ever known, intellectually, what you needed to do, but struggled to find the faith to do it?  That's where I am, right now, as I sit here.  Today, I have eaten 12 thin Oreo's (not joking, thin Oreo's are a thing), not sure how many Doritos's, same with the hot pork rinds, 12 Ritz crackers, 6 slices of salami and 3 slices of  smoked Gouda. #1 - I have a thing for multiples of 3 #2 - I need to stop joking about the above. #3 - I need to figure out how to find it within myself to turn my destructive food behaviors over to a power greater than myself.  I know this is something that I must so, but, how do I go about it?  Knowing something in your brain, and knowing it in your heart, are not the same thing.  If your brain could tell your heart what to believe, how to feel, what to do, the world would be a better place. Food is my illness.  I can go into brief periods of remission, but the illness is still there, waiting to rear it's ugly head. I know one o

Why have I not discovered these before?  Oh the amount of kale that has gone to waste this summer that I did not use in my morning smoothies in time and it went bad. I've heard of homemade kale chips for a long time, probably a couple of years, but I didn't know how easy they were to make until a few months ago.  I'm not sure why I didn't try to make them before, maybe because it was too hot to turn on the oven, maybe I'm forgetful and would just forget, or maybe it was some other reason. But today everything changed.  I got a bunch of kale in my CSA box today and I immediately came home, looked up some recipes for inspiration on Pintrest, then did a little of each that sounded best... and made two batches (the bunch of kale was pretty big). As the second batch baked I tentatively tried a piece from the first batch - ranch kale chips.  I was shocked.  I didn't hate it!  I took another bite.  I was shocked again, I didn't even dislike it.  Another bite

Sunday was the 2nd week of TrackTown Fitness.  It was once again an amazing morning (not too sure how many more we will get) in an inspirational location.  I love getting out there on the beautiful track at Hayward Field and walking in the company of 200 other people, some walking, some running and some with a combo of both.  There are Olympians and the 2016 USA Track & Field Coach is the one leading our program.  I am truly lucky for this opportunity. TrackTown USA Thursday starts the Walktober challenge at work, where we will be challenged to walk 10,000 steps each day, with a prize at 100,000, 200,000, and 300,000 steps (10, 20 and 30 days).  I'm looking forward to the challenge.  I've already been trying to hit my 10,000 steps, but some days I let myself slack.  I'm hoping working towards this challenge will help me hit my goals on days I feel like slacking. Yesterday was the Super Harvest Moon.  Babe and I went out in search of it, since the tre

All I can think about it Little Caesars pizza... Deep Dish and Italian Bread Sticks to be exact.  Made pizza for dinner, on whole wheat pitta with turkey pepperoni, but, it did not satisfy the craving at all.  I'm struggling with NOT giving in, but, I have to be honest, it's a damn good thing they don't deliver.  I changed out of my day clothes and into my nightshirt knowing I won't get dressed again to go out and I will not go in my PJs. Why does it have to be so damn good? And why has it had to have been stuck in my head for almost two weeks now that I want it? I'm almost to the point where I'm starting to think that giving in is what I need.  How crazy is that?  no one NEEDS pizza, let alone a specific brand. WTF. I have problems.

I wasn't sure how to finish the title of this post. Overcoming setbacks, overcoming negative self image, overcoming life... any of these and so many more fit. It's been a hard week or so. My 33rd birthday came and went.  Didn't celebrate on the day of like I had planned, but I was able to celebrate a few days later with friends at a party here at my home.  I honestly felt amazing having friends here to celebrate my day. Food wise, it's not been a good week.  Friday for my birthday I ate lots of party food and there were homemade margaritas.  Saturday for the duck game and lunch there was nacho's and dip, then pizza for dinner and lots of alcohol.  Yesterday there was a food indulgence that I'm still trying to get my mind around.  I didn't want it, it wasn't good, but I had it any how. Working out wise, I've been terrible.  Last week I worked out twice.  It was so hot I couldn't bring myself to do it.  Still haven't gotten back on th

I did it.  I had a loss.  And a BIG loss at that.  I feel it is really a reflection of 2 weeks worth of work, not just one, however, it was an AMAZING loss!  I have now lost 5% of my highest weight and I'm 1 lb away from a 23 lb loss!!! I am totally going to go today what I always promised myself I never would.  I am going to celebrate a scale loss with a food reward.  However... before you start your lecture... It's going to be with the first salad I ever learned to love.  I'm going to lunch with some gals and I'm having salad.. and yes, maybe a breadstick or two. I worked hard this week, next week I will work harder.  My birthday gift to myself will be a loss, after pizza on my birthday.  I might weigh in Friday morning though, if I plan on drinking on Friday night.  We'll see, I might not drink.

I am feeling pretty defeated at the moment. I gained 1.5 over last week's loss, which was 2.3 over yesterday's weigh in (yes, I know, i shouldn't have gotten on the scale yesterday, but I did). I thought  I was doing pretty damn good.  I was under my calorie goal all week, was getting all my water and only didn't hit my 10,000 steps and 30 min workout 2 days last week. By the numbers, I should  have lost. I really didn't think having a cheat meal last night for the game would have done all this bad, but, It seems that it did. Oh, well, time to refocus.  Last week is now in the past and today is the start of a new week.  Time to pick myself back up, brush off the negativity and move on for another week. Let's see what is brings.

You know that feeling.  The one in the back of your mind that slowly creeps forward and tells you that you are doing something you should not be doing.  It's there whether you chose to admit to it or not.  And it's there for a reason. If you are feeling guilty about doing something, or feeling guilty about not  doing something, stop and listen to yourself.  You are about to do something, or not do something, that goes against your own moral code. What makes you feel guilty will be different from what make me fee guilty, and is different from what our peers will feel guilty about. But take a moment to stop and listen to it. Learn from it. And change. Do the opposite of the guilty action. Don't give in to it.  You are stronger than that.  And so am I.  We are better than that also.

Ok, I did have a strong start... then a not to strong decline... I finished a few weeks ago at my highest weight ever. 354.3 pounds.  I would like to point out that was 14.4 lbs ABOVE my January 1 weight.  14.4 lbs ABOVE the "I will never be back here" line. But, that's neither here no there. I'm back on the wagon. What changed? Nothing.  And everything. I cannot blame anyone, or any situation, other than myself. Was I lazy? Yes. Was I lacking support? Maybe. Was it easier to sit on the couch after work and eat whatever I want whenever I want? Yes.  Definately. But, life isn't easy.  Life shouldn't  be easy.  And I don't want it to be. Since I fell "off" the wagon we have adopted a puppy and a kitten.  Why?  Some say I'm wanting to have kids already, and they would be right. I don't want to be that  mom.  The one that doesn't play with her kids.  That doesn't chase them, encourage them to chase her, t

It's been 17 days since my total meltdown.  I've started off strong and hope to remain that way.  It isn't easy.  I'm taking it one day at a time.  Each day I make the decision of I will work out, if I will eat right.  I don't think about yesterday, I don't worry about tomorrow.  Today is all that counts in the weight loss journey. I had a huge loss the first week, and a more normal one this week.  That's normal.  The first week of a new weight loss program you usually lose a lot of stored water wight.  Whatever the reason, it's gone, and that's what counts. I've been on a new eating program also since I started trying to be healthier again.  It's something my doctor told me about.  She found it when she was pregnant and had gestational diabetes.  It's a carb counting program where you just look at the carb values of the foods you are eating.  2-3 snacks per day, no more than 15 carbs each. 3 meals a day between 30 and 45 carbs.  It&#

I can't remember how many times I've said "today is the last time I start over". I can't remember how many times I've forgotten how bad it feels to start over. I can't remember how many tears I have shed over the scale, over the kitchen, and over myself. I've never before gained 18.8 lbs in 40 days. Do the math.  That's almost 1/2 a day.  Who does that?  What kind of life does that person live?  Not a happy one.  Maybe happy at times, but not in general. Yesterday was the worst I've ever felt about myself in my life.  I truly feel it was my lowest low.  I gave in to it, I let it consume me.  Then I listened to by husband, and one of my closest friends and it's time to move past it. It's time to start again, for the last time.  I wiped the slate clean - started a new account in my weight/food tracking app.  I don't want to see what I did before, I just want to move forward.  It doesn't matter what I did yesterday, last month or l