A Ladybug's Journey

I gained 3.2 lbs.  I'm retaining water and I had pasta with a thick vodka cream sauce and garlic rolls a few times this week.  I also have not been drinking the water that I have been the past few weeks.  While all these things have lead to a gain, I've decided that it's not a setback.  It's a learning experience. What did I learn? Vodka cream sauce pasta doesn't taste as good at the last bite, for the third meal, that it did at the first bite of the first meal.  Moderation.  If I want it, have it, but have it once, and maybe not a full plate of it.  The first garlic roll tastes better than the third.  Eat one, and move on. I need to drink water. Especially when I'm busy at work and the time is flying.  If I need to set an alarm, that's what I need to do. Most importantly, if i reach for my water, and it's gone, don't put off refilling it.  That's my biggest fault. I like sweets - so I need to do something to not crave them....

I thought about deleting all the old posts I have on here,  and "starting fresh"... but that's not really a fresh start is it?  Sure, the past wouldn't be here, for anyone to see if they are looking, but it's still with me, still haunting me, so best to make peace with it and let it lay in the past. So here I am, 3.5 years after my last post and approx 30 lbs heavier. I made a decision last week, to have bariatric surgery.  I've decided to do it in the past, 15 years ago, but I switched insurance companies and it was no longer covered.  I thought that was the end of the bariatric road.  Someone recently suggested that I do it - I told them the insurance thing - and they suggested something that no one had mentioned before, and it never occurred to me.  Pay for it myself. So I am.  I'm going to do it. I have an appointment in a month.  It was the earliest available.  Hoping to be able to schedule it for late May/early June.  I'll ...

Have you ever known, intellectually, what you needed to do, but struggled to find the faith to do it?  That's where I am, right now, as I sit here.  Today, I have eaten 12 thin Oreo's (not joking, thin Oreo's are a thing), not sure how many Doritos's, same with the hot pork rinds, 12 Ritz crackers, 6 slices of salami and 3 slices of  smoked Gouda. #1 - I have a thing for multiples of 3 #2 - I need to stop joking about the above. #3 - I need to figure out how to find it within myself to turn my destructive food behaviors over to a power greater than myself.  I know this is something that I must so, but, how do I go about it?  Knowing something in your brain, and knowing it in your heart, are not the same thing.  If your brain could tell your heart what to believe, how to feel, what to do, the world would be a better place. Food is my illness.  I can go into brief periods of remission, but the illness is still there, waiting to rear it's ugly head. ...

I wasn't sure how to finish the title of this post. Overcoming setbacks, overcoming negative self image, overcoming life... any of these and so many more fit. It's been a hard week or so. My 33rd birthday came and went.  Didn't celebrate on the day of like I had planned, but I was able to celebrate a few days later with friends at a party here at my home.  I honestly felt amazing having friends here to celebrate my day. Food wise, it's not been a good week.  Friday for my birthday I ate lots of party food and there were homemade margaritas.  Saturday for the duck game and lunch there was nacho's and dip, then pizza for dinner and lots of alcohol.  Yesterday there was a food indulgence that I'm still trying to get my mind around.  I didn't want it, it wasn't good, but I had it any how. Working out wise, I've been terrible.  Last week I worked out twice.  It was so hot I couldn't bring myself to do it.  Still haven't gotten back on th...

I am feeling pretty defeated at the moment. I gained 1.5 over last week's loss, which was 2.3 over yesterday's weigh in (yes, I know, i shouldn't have gotten on the scale yesterday, but I did). I thought  I was doing pretty damn good.  I was under my calorie goal all week, was getting all my water and only didn't hit my 10,000 steps and 30 min workout 2 days last week. By the numbers, I should  have lost. I really didn't think having a cheat meal last night for the game would have done all this bad, but, It seems that it did. Oh, well, time to refocus.  Last week is now in the past and today is the start of a new week.  Time to pick myself back up, brush off the negativity and move on for another week. Let's see what is brings.

Ok, I did have a strong start... then a not to strong decline... I finished a few weeks ago at my highest weight ever. 354.3 pounds.  I would like to point out that was 14.4 lbs ABOVE my January 1 weight.  14.4 lbs ABOVE the "I will never be back here" line. But, that's neither here no there. I'm back on the wagon. What changed? Nothing.  And everything. I cannot blame anyone, or any situation, other than myself. Was I lazy? Yes. Was I lacking support? Maybe. Was it easier to sit on the couch after work and eat whatever I want whenever I want? Yes.  Definately. But, life isn't easy.  Life shouldn't  be easy.  And I don't want it to be. Since I fell "off" the wagon we have adopted a puppy and a kitten.  Why?  Some say I'm wanting to have kids already, and they would be right. I don't want to be that  mom.  The one that doesn't play with her kids.  That doesn't chase them, encourage them to chase her...

I can't remember how many times I've said "today is the last time I start over". I can't remember how many times I've forgotten how bad it feels to start over. I can't remember how many tears I have shed over the scale, over the kitchen, and over myself. I've never before gained 18.8 lbs in 40 days. Do the math.  That's almost 1/2 a day.  Who does that?  What kind of life does that person live?  Not a happy one.  Maybe happy at times, but not in general. Yesterday was the worst I've ever felt about myself in my life.  I truly feel it was my lowest low.  I gave in to it, I let it consume me.  Then I listened to by husband, and one of my closest friends and it's time to move past it. It's time to start again, for the last time.  I wiped the slate clean - started a new account in my weight/food tracking app.  I don't want to see what I did before, I just want to move forward.  It doesn't matter what I did yesterday, last month or l...

I've fallen off of the wagon for the past few months. It all started when my sister came to visit, and we went on a road trip.  It was KFC, Taco Bell, Burgers, Donuts, etc. while she was here.  During that long weekend I didn't track my points.  From there, I stopped pre-planning my dinners for the week, then stopped tracking my days regularly, then just stopped all together.  It didn't happen overnight, or even over a week... it took four months.  Slowly during that time things made their way back into the house... chips, ice cream, little debbie snacks... popcorn toppings - do you know that I've never had popcorn toppings before now??? Summer has hit, and I am going outside, doing yard work, riding my new bike, but my weight is not dropping, nor are my inches. I need to get back on track, start fresh.  Maybe I should buy a new tracking book, instead of keeping with the unfilled one that I have, as a physical reminder of starting fresh. Last week I was sti...